How to Feel Close To Your Teen Again - Without Forcing It

Have you ever felt like your child is right there in the house… but you’re worlds apart?

Like you're texting about groceries and chores, but not really talking?

Like you're trying everything—lunch dates, love notes, doing all the right things—but the connection still feels cold or fragile?

I had a client—I'll call her Lisa—whose adult daughter moved back home. They barely spoke, except through texts about laundry or picking up dinner. One day, her daughter flat-out told her: “I’m choosing not to have a relationship with you right now.”

Ouch.

Lisa was devastated. They’d both been to therapy. They wanted things to be better. But nothing was really working.

That’s when we started working together.

And the first thing we worked on?

Not the daughter.

Not a “fix it” script.

Not another family dinner.

We worked on Lisa’s energy.

Why the “Nice” Things You’re Doing Aren’t Working

You can take your child to lunch… and still feel the tension on the car ride home.

You can write them a heartfelt letter… and they might still rip it up because they’re not feeling the love behind it.

You can buy them something they’ve been asking for… and 24 hours later they’re back to being distant or defensive.

If you’ve been there, you know how discouraging it is.

But here’s the truth:

Real connection doesn’t come from what you do.

It comes from how you feel when you do it.

Your energy—your emotional state—matters more than your actions.

Your child feels you more than they hear you.

That’s why nothing seems to stick when your heart is filled with frustration, worry, or disappointment—even if you’re doing all the “right” parenting things.

The Key to Reconnection: Remove What’s in the Way of Love

Rumi said:
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

The love is already there. The connection is already possible.

We just need to remove the walls.

Here are four of the biggest barriers I see between parents and their children—and what can happen when you let them go:

1. Worry

Worry feels loving to us. But to our children, it often feels like doubt.

When a mom constantly worries, her child hears:

"You’re not okay."
"You can’t handle this."
"You’re fragile."

I had a client whose son was dreading junior high because of a mean kid in his class. Her plan was to sit him down and give him a whole speech about how hard it would be. But instead, we shifted her energy. She replaced worry with belief. Instead of projecting fear, she helped her son strengthen his confidence.

And guess what? He handled it—beautifully and came home loving junior high.

2. Blame

Sometimes we subtly blame our kids for how we feel:

• “You make me so stressed.”
• “I can’t sleep because of you.”
• “You’re the reason our family is falling apart.”

But this disempowers both you and your child.  They are not responsible for how you feel and you are not responsible for how they feel.  Our feelings are our own responsibilities.

What if instead, you took full responsibility for your emotions? What if you gave your child the gift of emotional safety—by not making them the cause of your anger or anxiety?

That kind of grace changes everything.

3. Heavy Expectations

Yes, we want our kids to succeed.

But when expectations are served with shame, guilt, or pressure, they can feel manipulative instead of loving.

Kids might comply—but they won’t feel good doing it.

The truth? It's not the expectations that break the relationship—it's the energy behind them.

When you lead with encouragement, belief, and love, your child wants to rise. They want to thrive—not to avoid guilt, but because it feels good to grow.

4. Judgment

Judgment is the silent killer of connection. And many parents don’t even realize they’re doing it.

Judgment may sound like:

• “You used to be such a good kid.”
• “I’m just so disappointed in you.”
• “I don’t even recognize who you are anymore.”

Even if it's subtle, judgment sends the message: "You're only lovable when you behave how I want you to."

But what if instead of judgment, you led with curiosity?

What if you trusted that beneath your child’s behavior is pain—and beneath that pain is someone who still deeply wants to be loved?

That’s what Lisa did.

She started showing up differently.

She softened her energy.

She stopped trying to fix her daughter—and instead started seeing her.

And over time, the daughter softened too.

They started having conversations again.

And slowly, the relationship began to heal.

Real Love = No Barriers

One of my favorite quotes from Dr. Greg Baer says:

“Real love is the absence of anger, fear, and disappointment. In its presence, connection becomes effortless.”

That’s what I want for you.

If your relationship with your child feels strained, don’t panic.

You don’t need to force connection. You just need to remove the blocks.

Let go of worry.

Release the blame.

Shift your expectations into love.

And choose compassion over judgment.

Because the love is still there.

The connection is still possible.

And the healing can start with you.

Need help applying this in real life?

I created a free guide called How to Feel Closer to Your Child Again.

It includes exercises and insights to help you break down emotional walls and reconnect in a real, lasting way.

Grab it [here] and start building a relationship that feels lighter, safer, and full of love.

You can also listen to my podcast episode where I do a deeper dive on this topic.

Listen to it here:  Struggling With Your Teen? 4 Tips to Get Close Again as a Christian Parent

And if this post helped you, will you share it with a friend?

You’re not alone—and neither are they.