How Emotional Manipulation Creeps Into Christian Parenting - and What to Do Instead

Is It Love or Emotional Manipulation?

A Faithful Look at What Might Be Hurting Your Child (Without You Even Knowing)

When I first heard the phrase “emotional manipulation in parenting,” I bristled.

That’s not me. I love my child. I’m doing the best I can.

And if you’re reading this, I know the same is true for you.

But here’s the hard truth: emotional manipulation isn’t always loud, cruel, or intentional.

Sometimes it shows up in the quiet moments—when our fear speaks louder than our faith.

When we’re trying to protect or correct… but end up controlling. And yes, it can happen to loving, Christian parents with the very best intentions.

🙋‍♀️ What Is Emotional Manipulation in Parenting?

Emotional manipulation is when we try to influence our child’s behavior by using our own emotions—using guilt, fear, shame, or withdrawal.

And the hardest part?

It often sounds and feels loving, and the right or normal way to parent.

“You’re breaking my heart.”
“After all I’ve done for you...”
“A real Christian wouldn’t act like that.”
“You should know better.”
“I'm is so disappointed in you.”

These phrases may come from hurt or heartbreak—but they send a subtle message:

“You’re responsible for how I feel. And if you don’t act the way I want you to… my love, approval, or acceptance might disappear.”

💡 Why It’s So Harmful (Even If You Mean Well)

The problem isn’t your love.

It’s that your child doesn’t always feel that love when it's tangled up with the pressure of how it's making you feel.

They start to believe that love is conditional. That their worth is based on their behavior. That God feels as disappointed in them as you seem to.

And it makes it very easy for them to start to believe that they are a bad person or child.

And when that happens, here’s what you’ll start to see:

Emotional distance
Fear of failure or punishment
Anxiety about being honest with you (lying)
Feeling like they have to perform to be loved
A false belief that God only loves them when they’re “good”

Emotional manipulation may create outward obedience… but it almost always leads to inner emptiness.

🌿 So What Can You Do Instead?

What I teach my clients is what I call “clean parenting.”

It’s parenting that comes from clarity, not fear. From love, not control. From the example of Christ—not culture or conditioning.

It's helping them to choose better decisions and behaviors based on who they want to be, what they think would bring them closer to Christ and the highest version of themselves. Without any attachment to how it makes you, the parent, feel.

And it sounds like this:

“What are you feeling about this?”
“Whatever you’re feeling right now is okay. I’m here to understand you.”
“I want to listen and understand—not control—what’s going on in your heart.”
“Let’s figure this out together.”
“God’s love—and mine—doesn’t go anywhere, even when things are hard.”

This is how we build trust. This is how we invite healing.

This is how we show our children the true character of Christ.